Real Life with Jennifer Till

One of the really interesting things about live radio is…that it’s live. So sometimes at the last minute, guests cancel or unexpected obstacles come up, but as with life, you’re expected to “go on”. That was Real Life with Jennifer Till this morning. So, in the radio station parking lot, David and I sat in the car talking about…what we would talk about…and decided on relationships. I simply wanted to punt and play some old shows and David, in his Executive Producer role, challenged me to step up to the plate.

We rushed over Shenandoah Joe’s to get some coffee, because the reality was dawning on me that I couldn’t duck out this morning, and I needed the caffeine prop. Ten minutes later, we were on air. We were blessed in that Jay James chose to join us this morning. But that’s also life. Sometimes unexpected positive things happen, and our role is to say “Yes!” when they do.

As we explored together some of the elements that go into making a relationship “good,” we were joined by some of our wonderful listeners. And, what was intriguing, maybe more to David than to me, was that listeners who love the show, sometimes have opinions and thoughts that differ greatly from mine. But what I remembered is that this is a dialogue–an opportunity to exchange with a community of women, a variety of perspectives and points of view.

But this blog is MY opportunity to expand and clarify and there are two threads that I want to explore. The first is this notion that we can make other people happy. Can we help create an environment, loving and nurturing, in which our partners or others, feel safe to connect to themselves, their joys and their struggles? We can. BUT, the notion that any of us can control or dictate anyone’s else emotion, be it happiness or misery, is delusional and destructive to ourselves and to the relationship, regardless of whether that’s our partner, neighbor, or mother… To understand that all human beings are fully and solely responsible for their own emotions is to also understand that every one of us has all of the capability we need. Voila! It’s that simple. And as well we all know, it can feel quite complicated.

The second thread is how I felt this morning. What I said to David was, “I feel scattered,” and David, being my mirror said, “You’ve now said that 3 times, and every time you said it has been in a dismissive fashion.” It was clear from one of our callers that what I was feeling about being “not together” was not what she was hearing. Interestingly, she congratulated us on how thoughtful the show was.

So my take away from Real Life today was that I don’t have to feel “together” to be OK, or great even. Like my childhood hero, Mr. Rogers said, “You’re perfect just the way you are.” Oh, by the way, have I mentioned that I wanted to marry him when I was 9?

Some shows are just more personal than others, and this was one of them. In fact, I was crying through parts of the interview this morning, as were my guests. I am so grateful to be part of this community of women who share–their stories, their hearts, their lives. The stories aren’t always joyous. They can be dark and painful. Regardless, they are always so meaningful for me. Because these stories help to make up the mirror in which I see myself.

In the mirror today I saw a woman who seems shallow. A woman who is surrounded by comfort and opportunity.  Juxtaposed against the very real and enduring suffering of the people in Haiti, even in the best of times, much less now, in the worst. This morning’s interview could have served as an invitation to beat myself up for not doing as much as someone else or just an unidentified quantity of “DOING MORE.” A better use for that mirror is to check on my alignment. First, I want to make sure that my “WHO” matches my “DO” (as an old Virginia woman once said to me). And then, I want to explore whether the circumstances of my life have changed to the degree where I may want to be doing something differently.

This sense of being in alignment was captured perfectly in Sarah and Anna’s feelings at the moment that they thought they were going to die–they knew that this was absolutely where they needed to be, doing what they needed to do. And Anna’s statement in the face of this overwhelming tragedy of ” I can’t fix it, but I love you” [and I would add, "And I'm here"] is something each of us could practice saying when we confront our tragedies, large or small.

A year ago, I started an experiment. And now, I want to report on the results. But first, some “non-scientific” background on experiments. In my world, experiments can be an opportunity to think big, to dream big, and then to pour your energies into that dream to see what happens.

Experiments are NOT about judgments you use as an excuse to beat on yourself like the proverbial drum. Experiments ARE about opportunities. My experiment, in this case, was Real Life with Jennifer Till. My opportunity was to see if there are women who care about sharing our challenges, learning tips from each other, and celebrating our successes. I was curious to find out if women wanted to share life in community.

After a year, I feel comfortable in telling you the answer is, yes. We do care.  I know this because you download the podcasts, you tune into the show, you stop me in parking lots, you send me emails, each time providing a shining reinforcing datapoint: that regardless of where we live, and what we do, we share common dreams, struggles, values, hopes, and fears. What is equally important to me in this or any experiment is the process by which it is conducted. In my case, the process meant staying true to my values, my priorities and the theme of the show which is balance, alignment and joy.

This experience also reinforced my belief that one can take nothing but just energy in mind–an idea–a germ of an idea even–and add other people’s talents, support, encouragement, love, energy, all of which result in the creation of the brand new, never before seen on earth reality–our radio show. This is testimony to my belief that we can and do play a major role in the creation of our realities.

Last but not least, I want to share with you a sense that experiments in our lives really never end. They are part of  a journey that continues as long as we are committed to engage ourselves in the Experiment of Life.

Stay tuned–more Real Life coming…

I know that many of you want to contribute what you can to support the relief efforts in Haiti. I found these tips from the American Institute of Philanthropy’s (AIP) website, CharityWatch.org, that will help to ensure that the money you donate actually gets to Haiti.

1. Know your charity.  Read the mission, make sure that there is a clear description of program accomplishments, and a listing of the Board of Directors. You should know that a .org in the website does not necessarily mean it’s a nonprofit organization. Also, some questionable charities use a name that closely resembles a well respected charity name. If you have any doubts about the organization, check the entity on Internal Revenue Services website and CharityWatch.com or other watchdogs.

2. Make sure that you know where your dollars will go. Ask what percentage of every dollar goes directly to program services. It should be at least 60%, which the AIP rates as a “C” organization. “A” rated organizations are spending 75% of every dollar directly on programs. Building Goodness Foundation, I found out today, spends 88 cents of every dollar on direct program services! A+++ I’d say!

Some AIP A-Rated organizations are: Action Against Hunger, American Red Cross, CARE, Doctors without Borders, Save the Children and Salvation Army. See more on CharityWatch.com.

3. Be certain that you can obtain contact information. email, phone, snail mail address. Make sure that the organization has a physical address within the US.

4. Don’t be enticed by the pathetic sob story.

5. Give safely. Only donate to charity sites that use encryption technology to scramble your personal and credit card info. You can tell it’s secure if there is an “s” after the “http” (https) that precedes the internet address.

6. Give directly. Or if the charity you want to give to does not offer online giving, go to Network for Good or JustGive. Building Goodness Foundation uses Network for Good.

7. Keep paper records. For gifts over $250, the IRS requires you obtain a receipt from the charity for tax purposes.

8. Don’t respond to spam solicitation or pressure to contribute on the spot.

9. Consider giving generously.

http://www.BuildingGoodness.org

http://www.CharityWatch.org

http://www.irs.gov/charities/

LISTEN TO THE PODCAST: http://www.wina.com/play_window.php?audioType=Episode&audioId=4328165

As I hope you know, the reason I do Real Life is to help we women with the ongoing challenge of finding balance in our lives, making sure that we’re in alignment with our values and what is most important for us, and experiencing joy. I believe that by increasing our capacity for compassion– first for ourselves, then for those close to us, and ultimately expanding out to those we may not even know personally–as well as being in service to those who need support, love, and caring, our ability to experience joy increases.

At times, events happen in the world that are so large, and unfortunately in this case, so catastrophic, that they simply cannot be excluded from our conversation. I know that many of you want to do something to help the thousands, and now it’s sounding like millions, of people who are so utterly decimated and suffering physically, emotionally and spiritually. I found myself feeling very emotional during my interview with Louise Finger and Kelly Eplee. Perhaps you hear it in my voice…

The immensity of suffering that the devastation in Haiti has unleashed also waters the seed of what it is to be human. As Rumi, the thirteenth century Persian poet wrote,  “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

My experience informs me that our divine job description is: To Be Love enfleshed.To breathe Love. Live Love. Hear with the ears of Love. See with the eyes of Love. And it gets hard. Really hard. Earthquakes destroy life as we know it. Our children stumble. Our parents’ health fails. Not enough money to pay this month’s bills. “It just shouldn’t be this way.” Our challenges, mundane and catastrophic, can, if we allow, serve as the windows through which we can see our barriers. Our resistance to what is happening in this moment is one of our greatest sources of suffering.

I again invite you to take a breath. A single breath. This breath. And as you exhale, send Love and Compassion inward to yourself. And now, with this breath and this exhalation, Love and Compassion to those who are dear to you. And now with this breath, Love and Compassion to those who challenge you. And with this breath, Love and Compassion to those who are terrified and suffering in Haiti.

And thank you for doing such great work with your job description!

What is it about stress that we like so much, I wonder? We must if we keep inviting it into our psyches and our lives.

Stress can be good. Athletes will describe how stress can actually enhance performance and medical researchers are finding that stress can strengthen the immune system and fight against diseases like Alzheimer’s, because it causes brain cells to work at peak capacities. Patients who experience moderate levels of stress recover faster after surgery than patients experiencing higher or lower levels of stress.

But there’s the rub.

It’s moderate amounts of stress that can help. It’s our old friend balance rearing its head once more. We see stress as a force with a life of its own rather than an alert system giving us valuable feedback about how our day is going, and by extension, how we are doing. We lose awareness that we, ultimately are the ones that get to choose, not how we feel necessarily (maybe we can choose how we feel…), but how we are going to behave.

Once again, I think it’s our early life lessons that makes stress so powerful. The knots in my stomach over traffic are uncannily like the knots that were there when I was fearful about failing a test and somehow reducing my value to those I loved.  There are good ways to manage stress: exercise can be good, meditation can be good, music can be good, humor can be good. But it all starts with listening to your body and recognizing that you have choices. Knowing that you have no need to be fearful about who you are, loving yourself and giving yourself permission to navigate through life as you see fit, may be one of the best first steps in keeping stress in a positive balance.

Until next time…

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Let the beauty we love be what we do. –Rumi, 13th century Persian poet.

After today’s interview I found myself thinking about veils and as will happen at such times, I surfed the web. I know that for me, as well as for many western women, the veil has become a symbol of the repression of women’s rights and of sexual segregation. But this was clearly not always the case.

Exodus refers to the veil that Moses wore after being in the presence of God when receiving the Ten Commandments. Veils are used as coverings for sacred objects like the chalice used during communion. Historically in Persia (now Iran) only the noblest of women were allowed to wear them. Covering the face or head was also seen as a sign of respect or devotion for both of the sexes.

At times, the veil was worn as protection, whether against harsh climates or evil spirits.

So why, I wonder, has this iconic image become so negative in its context? Even the word veiled can convey something less than forthright, like a “veiled” threat.

Have we come to a point where the reflexive response to something hidden is that it represents evil, or dangerous, or something forbidden, like the sexuality uncovered in Salome’s dance of the seven veils?

In a life committed to self-exploration and self-discovery, I am constantly seeking those parts of me that, for one reason or another, may be hidden, either to myself or to others. The questions raised for me by today’s talk about veils, in the context of my belief that alignment and balance, begin with self awareness. I wondered what veils to I put on, at what times and why. Am I hiding, or am I protecting myself? Do I wish to entertain a notion of mystery, or privacy or sanctity? At this point I am at the stage of exploration, but I think in time that answers will begin to emerge, and I am eager to discover what they may be.

HOW DO YOU VEIL YOURSELF?

Practice: Write down a secret about yourself that you wouldn’t want to reveal to anyone else.

LISTEN TO THE PODCAST: http://podcast.wina.com/wina/1855416.mp3

You Tube video of Simin Behbahani: http://tinyurl.com/n8eefc

Faranzah Milani’s books, Veils and Words, Cup of Sin, and Remapping the Cultural Geography of Iran available at: http://www.syracuseuniversitypress.syr.edu/subject/iranian-studies.html

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: The focus on the creation of Peace begins within. — Caverly Morgan

I actually have spent 10 days at a silent zen monastery. Wake up at 7:00 a.m. Walk to the meditation hall. Oh, by the way, when I’ m walking, I must keep my gaze downcast in front of me, lest I catch someone else’s eye. Every moment of every day, including when I’m walking, is structured for me turn my attention inward—to, literally and figuratively, look only at me. I promise you, it got ugly! When the quiet is turned up, so is the mind chatter in my head. And some of those voices get vicious–what I say about myself–what I say about other people. But mostly, I was hearing how utterly relentless I am on myself. I’m not good enough, smart enough, and most the most pervasive and ultimately destructive story is that I’m not worthy—not worthy to be loved.

Now, I’m sitting in meditation, facing the wall. Eating breakfast in silence, again, facing the wall. I actually became aware of the food in my mouth and what it tasted like. I also became aware of the stories that I was making up about the other retreatants as they were eating while facing the wall. People with whom I’ve literally had no contact, eye or otherwise, and here I am inventing what they are thinking, mostly about me, where they came from and what they do, or their biases, opinions…you get the idea.

Onto our morning group meeting, doing awareness practices. Lunch at 1:00. Eat facing the wall again. Time alone to walk, journal, nap. Back to an afternoon group meeting. 5:00 p.m. sitting meditation, facing the wall. Dinner, again, you got it, facing the wall. (And I’m paying for this?!?) Then onto the evening dharma talk (which means I’m listening to someone else, the zen teacher in this case, talk). How many more days do I have to go? I still have the scrap of paper on which I was counting the days, like an exotic island castaway, deriving great satisfaction with each hatch mark moving me closer to my emanicipation…

WHAT STORIES DO YOU TELL ABOUT YOURSELF?

Practice: Be aware of 5 breaths today. Feel what it is to take an in breath…what it is to take an out breath. Feel the unique rhythm of your own breath. Simply feel what it’s like to be in the body, and not have to believe what the mind is doing.

LISTEN TO THE PODCAST: http://podcast.wina.com/wina/1835375.mp3

One House of Peace Website: onehouseofpeace.org

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Some pursue happiness. Others create it. — Unknown

After we finish, my Executive Producer and I talk about the show we just did, what we liked, what I wish I had included, and then the ubiquitous random conversation… After this show, David commented that it’s all well and good to be invited in, but what do you do about the crystal ball concept?

Crystal ball concept? Maybe this sounds familiar: If you loved me you would know. Yes, you would know what I’m thinking, what I want, what I need, and precisely how I want you to perform in order to make me happy.  Yikes! There is a whole level of dynamic that happens between couples, between people, based on projection and subsequent unspoken expectation. I suspect that this is probably the major source of human suffering!

Downsides to the crystal ball dynamic are probably too numerous to name, but I’ll give it a go. If you are the holder of the crystal ball, it keeps you in the victim role, keeps you small, undeveloped, at the mercy of the other person’s ability and desire to keep your best interest paramount and perform up to your standard (good luck). If targeted as the crystal ball gazer, you are set up to fail, because after all, who else but Karnak the Magnificent is going to win this game?

How do you use the crystal ball for a good game of ninepins rather than a proving ground? Through the courage to know yourself, and I mean really know yourself–the good, the “bad” and the ugly–and indeed this DOES take courage. Sometimes the courage comes into play when I’m looking at parts of myself that I’m ashamed of, I’ve deemed too needy, and certainly don’t want others to know about. Sometimes courage comes into play when it’s time to own the magnificent parts of myself–is it OK to actually be spectacular? After all, aren’t we supposed to be humble and unassuming?

Courage, coupled with the light of self awareness and the willingness to communicate what you uncover about your magnificent self, move you closer to your own happiness, to creating a life of joy! And please remember, that just because you communicate a particular want or need (and just how many needs do we REALLY have) does not inherently imply a positive response on the receiver’s end. Come on ladies. This is where we get to pull our big girl panties up!

PRACTICE:  In rank order, write down the top 5 priorities in your life.

LISTEN TO THE PODCAST: http://tinyurl.com/mn4h29

Jay James asks me the hard, and personal, questions about being a single parent, relationships, success, and what men need to know (!). Saturday 8:30 a.m. WINA 1070AM.