There are people that perform random acts of kindness and charity every day. For many of them, it is part of their belief in the power of a simple philosophy called Pay it Forward, from the book and movie of the same name. A daughter receives a kidney from a stranger, and her mother donates her own kidney to another stranger, forming links in a chain that stretch out months or even years.

When I asked listeners, “What kind things have you done?” I heard, “Weeding a neighbor’s garden while they’re on vacation”, “anonymously sharing home-baked cookies”, “paying the toll for the person behind”…Catherine Ryan Hyde told me of a “Pay It Forward” chain that lasted all day at a drive-thru restaurant.

What drives us to do kind things for people we don’t know, without even the pay-off of our “goodness” being affirmed by the recipient? Is there something other than the “pat on the back” or the “attaboy” that motivates us to do good. I wonder if people somehow feel connectedness at the core of their being. The Dalai Lama says that kindness is his religion. Mine too!

Join me as we both find out about Catherine Ryan Hyde’s experience of writing her book, “Pay It Forward,” and it being made into not only a movie but a foundation.

Call in Saturdays 8:00am – 9:00am EST in Charlottesville on WINA 1070 AM 434-977-1070 or Listen Live right here!

When we communicate we have the power to inspire, to inform, to captivate and, all too often, to hurt: to hurt others or to hurt ourselves. In the past decades, we have learned that violence is not confined to physical actions but can also be a part of how we communicate.

The really good news is that each of us can learn how to communicate in non violent, compassionate and effective ways that can improve our personal relationships and, by extension, the world around us. This morning, my guest, Sea Aviar, an NVC practitioner, and I are going to explore Non Violent Communication or NVC.

Call in Saturdays 8:00am – 9:00am EST in Charlottesville on WINA 1070 AM 434-977-1070 or Listen Live!

• Waiting for governments to fix the problem is not the solution
• Acting as individuals, the effort is not substantial enough to make a difference
• Working as communities offers the best opportunity for success.

Joining me today to talk about peak oil, explore what Transition Town means to you and how our local community can prepare for a future that will be cleaner, more local, and run on a human-scale are Lindsay and Erik Curren, co-founders of TransitionVoice.com

Call in Saturdays 8:00am – 9:00am in Charlottesville on WINA 1070 AM 434-977-1070 or Listen Live!

Call in Saturdays 8:00am – 9:00am EST in Charlottesville on WINA 1070 AM 434-977-1070 or Listen Live!

We rushed over Shenandoah Joe’s to get some coffee, because the reality was dawning on me that I couldn’t duck out this morning, and I needed the caffeine prop. Ten minutes later, we were on air. We were blessed in that Jay James chose to join us this morning. But that’s also life. Sometimes unexpected positive things happen, and our role is to say “Yes!” when they do.

As we explored together some of the elements that go into making a relationship “good,” we were joined by some of our wonderful listeners. And, what was intriguing, maybe more to David than to me, was that listeners who love the show, sometimes have opinions and thoughts that differ greatly from mine. But what I remembered is that this is a dialogue–an opportunity to exchange with a community of women, a variety of perspectives and points of view.

But this blog is MY opportunity to expand and clarify and there are two threads that I want to explore. The first is this notion that we can make other people happy. Can we help create an environment, loving and nurturing, in which our partners or others, feel safe to connect to themselves, their joys and their struggles? We can. BUT, the notion that any of us can control or dictate anyone’s else emotion, be it happiness or misery, is delusional and destructive to ourselves and to the relationship, regardless of whether that’s our partner, neighbor, or mother… To understand that all human beings are fully and solely responsible for their own emotions is to also understand that every one of us has all of the capability we need. Voila! It’s that simple. And as well we all know, it can feel quite complicated.

The second thread is how I felt this morning. What I said to David was, “I feel scattered,” and David, being my mirror said, “You’ve now said that 3 times, and every time you said it has been in a dismissive fashion.” It was clear from one of our callers that what I was feeling about being “not together” was not what she was hearing. Interestingly, she congratulated us on how thoughtful the show was.

So my take away from Real Life today was that I don’t have to feel “together” to be OK, or great even. Like my childhood hero, Mr. Rogers said, “You’re perfect just the way you are.” Oh, by the way, have I mentioned that I wanted to marry him when I was 9?

In the mirror today I saw a woman who seems shallow. A woman who is surrounded by comfort and opportunity.  Juxtaposed against the very real and enduring suffering of the people in Haiti, even in the best of times, much less now, in the worst. This morning’s interview could have served as an invitation to beat myself up for not doing as much as someone else or just an unidentified quantity of “DOING MORE.” A better use for that mirror is to check on my alignment. First, I want to make sure that my “WHO” matches my “DO” (as an old Virginia woman once said to me). And then, I want to explore whether the circumstances of my life have changed to the degree where I may want to be doing something differently.

This sense of being in alignment was captured perfectly in Sarah and Anna’s feelings at the moment that they thought they were going to die–they knew that this was absolutely where they needed to be, doing what they needed to do. And Anna’s statement in the face of this overwhelming tragedy of ” I can’t fix it, but I love you” [and I would add, "And I'm here"] is something each of us could practice saying when we confront our tragedies, large or small.

Experiments are NOT about judgments you use as an excuse to beat on yourself like the proverbial drum. Experiments ARE about opportunities. My experiment, in this case, was Real Life with Jennifer Till. My opportunity was to see if there are women who care about sharing our challenges, learning tips from each other, and celebrating our successes. I was curious to find out if women wanted to share life in community.

After a year, I feel comfortable in telling you the answer is, yes. We do care.  I know this because you download the podcasts, you tune into the show, you stop me in parking lots, you send me emails, each time providing a shining reinforcing datapoint: that regardless of where we live, and what we do, we share common dreams, struggles, values, hopes, and fears. What is equally important to me in this or any experiment is the process by which it is conducted. In my case, the process meant staying true to my values, my priorities and the theme of the show which is balance, alignment and joy.

This experience also reinforced my belief that one can take nothing but just energy in mind–an idea–a germ of an idea even–and add other people’s talents, support, encouragement, love, energy, all of which result in the creation of the brand new, never before seen on earth reality–our radio show. This is testimony to my belief that we can and do play a major role in the creation of our realities.

Last but not least, I want to share with you a sense that experiments in our lives really never end. They are part of  a journey that continues as long as we are committed to engage ourselves in the Experiment of Life.

Stay tuned–more Real Life coming…

1. Know your charity.  Read the mission, make sure that there is a clear description of program accomplishments, and a listing of the Board of Directors. You should know that a .org in the website does not necessarily mean it’s a nonprofit organization. Also, some questionable charities use a name that closely resembles a well respected charity name. If you have any doubts about the organization, check the entity on Internal Revenue Services website and CharityWatch.com or other watchdogs.

2. Make sure that you know where your dollars will go. Ask what percentage of every dollar goes directly to program services. It should be at least 60%, which the AIP rates as a “C” organization. “A” rated organizations are spending 75% of every dollar directly on programs. Building Goodness Foundation, I found out today, spends 88 cents of every dollar on direct program services! A+++ I’d say!

Some AIP A-Rated organizations are: Action Against Hunger, American Red Cross, CARE, Doctors without Borders, Save the Children and Salvation Army. See more on CharityWatch.com.

3. Be certain that you can obtain contact information. email, phone, snail mail address. Make sure that the organization has a physical address within the US.

4. Don’t be enticed by the pathetic sob story.

5. Give safely. Only donate to charity sites that use encryption technology to scramble your personal and credit card info. You can tell it’s secure if there is an “s” after the “http” (https) that precedes the internet address.

6. Give directly. Or if the charity you want to give to does not offer online giving, go to Network for Good or JustGive. Building Goodness Foundation uses Network for Good.

7. Keep paper records. For gifts over $250, the IRS requires you obtain a receipt from the charity for tax purposes.

8. Don’t respond to spam solicitation or pressure to contribute on the spot.

9. Consider giving generously.

http://www.BuildingGoodness.org

http://www.CharityWatch.org

http://www.irs.gov/charities/

LISTEN TO THE PODCAST: http://www.wina.com/play_window.php?audioType=Episode&audioId=4328165

At times, events happen in the world that are so large, and unfortunately in this case, so catastrophic, that they simply cannot be excluded from our conversation. I know that many of you want to do something to help the thousands, and now it’s sounding like millions, of people who are so utterly decimated and suffering physically, emotionally and spiritually. I found myself feeling very emotional during my interview with Louise Finger and Kelly Eplee. Perhaps you hear it in my voice…

The immensity of suffering that the devastation in Haiti has unleashed also waters the seed of what it is to be human. As Rumi, the thirteenth century Persian poet wrote,  “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

My experience informs me that our divine job description is: To Be Love enfleshed.To breathe Love. Live Love. Hear with the ears of Love. See with the eyes of Love. And it gets hard. Really hard. Earthquakes destroy life as we know it. Our children stumble. Our parents’ health fails. Not enough money to pay this month’s bills. “It just shouldn’t be this way.” Our challenges, mundane and catastrophic, can, if we allow, serve as the windows through which we can see our barriers. Our resistance to what is happening in this moment is one of our greatest sources of suffering.

I again invite you to take a breath. A single breath. This breath. And as you exhale, send Love and Compassion inward to yourself. And now, with this breath and this exhalation, Love and Compassion to those who are dear to you. And now with this breath, Love and Compassion to those who challenge you. And with this breath, Love and Compassion to those who are terrified and suffering in Haiti.

And thank you for doing such great work with your job description!

]]> http://www.jennifertill.com/2010/01/16/divine-job-description/feed/ 0 http://www.jennifertill.com/2009/09/07/reducing-stress-in-the-family/ http://www.jennifertill.com/2009/09/07/reducing-stress-in-the-family/#comments Mon, 07 Sep 2009 16:58:19 +0000 admin http://www.jennifertill.com/?p=39 What is it about stress that we like so much, I wonder? We must if we keep inviting it into our psyches and our lives.

Stress can be good. Athletes will describe how stress can actually enhance performance and medical researchers are finding that stress can strengthen the immune system and fight against diseases like Alzheimer’s, because it causes brain cells to work at peak capacities. Patients who experience moderate levels of stress recover faster after surgery than patients experiencing higher or lower levels of stress.

But there’s the rub.

It’s moderate amounts of stress that can help. It’s our old friend balance rearing its head once more. We see stress as a force with a life of its own rather than an alert system giving us valuable feedback about how our day is going, and by extension, how we are doing. We lose awareness that we, ultimately are the ones that get to choose, not how we feel necessarily (maybe we can choose how we feel…), but how we are going to behave.

Once again, I think it’s our early life lessons that makes stress so powerful. The knots in my stomach over traffic are uncannily like the knots that were there when I was fearful about failing a test and somehow reducing my value to those I loved.  There are good ways to manage stress: exercise can be good, meditation can be good, music can be good, humor can be good. But it all starts with listening to your body and recognizing that you have choices. Knowing that you have no need to be fearful about who you are, loving yourself and giving yourself permission to navigate through life as you see fit, may be one of the best first steps in keeping stress in a positive balance.

Until next time…

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: The focus on the creation of Peace begins within. — Caverly Morgan

I actually have spent 10 days at a silent zen monastery. Wake up at 7:00 a.m. Walk to the meditation hall. Oh, by the way, when I’ m walking, I must keep my gaze downcast in front of me, lest I catch someone else’s eye. Every moment of every day, including when I’m walking, is structured for me turn my attention inward—to, literally and figuratively, look only at me. I promise you, it got ugly! When the quiet is turned up, so is the mind chatter in my head. And some of those voices get vicious–what I say about myself–what I say about other people. But mostly, I was hearing how utterly relentless I am on myself. I’m not good enough, smart enough, and most the most pervasive and ultimately destructive story is that I’m not worthy—not worthy to be loved.

Now, I’m sitting in meditation, facing the wall. Eating breakfast in silence, again, facing the wall. I actually became aware of the food in my mouth and what it tasted like. I also became aware of the stories that I was making up about the other retreatants as they were eating while facing the wall. People with whom I’ve literally had no contact, eye or otherwise, and here I am inventing what they are thinking, mostly about me, where they came from and what they do, or their biases, opinions…you get the idea.

Onto our morning group meeting, doing awareness practices. Lunch at 1:00. Eat facing the wall again. Time alone to walk, journal, nap. Back to an afternoon group meeting. 5:00 p.m. sitting meditation, facing the wall. Dinner, again, you got it, facing the wall. (And I’m paying for this?!?) Then onto the evening dharma talk (which means I’m listening to someone else, the zen teacher in this case, talk). How many more days do I have to go? I still have the scrap of paper on which I was counting the days, like an exotic island castaway, deriving great satisfaction with each hatch mark moving me closer to my emanicipation…

WHAT STORIES DO YOU TELL ABOUT YOURSELF?

Practice: Be aware of 5 breaths today. Feel what it is to take an in breath…what it is to take an out breath. Feel the unique rhythm of your own breath. Simply feel what it’s like to be in the body, and not have to believe what the mind is doing.

LISTEN TO THE PODCAST: http://podcast.wina.com/wina/1835375.mp3

One House of Peace Website: onehouseofpeace.org

After we finish, my Executive Producer and I talk about the show we just did, what we liked, what I wish I had included, and then the ubiquitous random conversation… After this show, David commented that it’s all well and good to be invited in, but what do you do about the crystal ball concept?

Crystal ball concept? Maybe this sounds familiar: If you loved me you would know. Yes, you would know what I’m thinking, what I want, what I need, and precisely how I want you to perform in order to make me happy.  Yikes! There is a whole level of dynamic that happens between couples, between people, based on projection and subsequent unspoken expectation. I suspect that this is probably the major source of human suffering!

Downsides to the crystal ball dynamic are probably too numerous to name, but I’ll give it a go. If you are the holder of the crystal ball, it keeps you in the victim role, keeps you small, undeveloped, at the mercy of the other person’s ability and desire to keep your best interest paramount and perform up to your standard (good luck). If targeted as the crystal ball gazer, you are set up to fail, because after all, who else but Karnak the Magnificent is going to win this game?

How do you use the crystal ball for a good game of ninepins rather than a proving ground? Through the courage to know yourself, and I mean really know yourself–the good, the “bad” and the ugly–and indeed this DOES take courage. Sometimes the courage comes into play when I’m looking at parts of myself that I’m ashamed of, I’ve deemed too needy, and certainly don’t want others to know about. Sometimes courage comes into play when it’s time to own the magnificent parts of myself–is it OK to actually be spectacular? After all, aren’t we supposed to be humble and unassuming?

Courage, coupled with the light of self awareness and the willingness to communicate what you uncover about your magnificent self, move you closer to your own happiness, to creating a life of joy! And please remember, that just because you communicate a particular want or need (and just how many needs do we REALLY have) does not inherently imply a positive response on the receiver’s end. Come on ladies. This is where we get to pull our big girl panties up!

PRACTICE:  In rank order, write down the top 5 priorities in your life.

LISTEN TO THE PODCAST: http://tinyurl.com/mn4h29

One of the things I like best about Real Life with Jennifer Till is how often what I get from the show is so different from what I expect to get.

Before the interview with Cherry Kwunyeun I would have said that this show was about social entrepreneurship and it was, but it was much, much more – about encouraging each of us to find our unique spark and the courage to let it grow bright, illuminating not only our path but the paths of others as well.  It is always affirming to me to hear the echoes of my beliefs in the success stories of others.

It would be easy to discount that success by looking at Cherry’s advantages, her father a physician, her mother an educator, a loving family, connections with the Thai government  and so on. But to do so would be to discount her journey and her goals. She was the child of immigrants, driven by a desire to create and to marry that with her desire to do good for others. Putting her career on hold to care for a mother with cancer, seeking and finding wisdom in the guidance of others, being willing to rethink and reshape her goals while never losing sight of her sense of self and her vision for her life; all of these are the hallmarks of a most remarkable woman and I for one am better by having met her and hearing her story.

I hope you feel the same.

TIP OF THE WEEK: Give yourself permission to bloom! www.blumpari.com

LISTEN TO THE PODCAST: http://www.wina.com/play_window.php?audioType=Episode&audioId=3806711

If I’ve learned anything from my travels and travails is that difficulties in a relationship almost never lie at the feet of only one party in the relationship. Introspection and honesty forces me to admit that at least part of the struggles with my son are be traceable to me. I wonder if, in part, it stems from the velocity and direction of change.

A mother looks at her son and will always see him through the lens of his early childhood when all is promise and joy; when she daydreams about the man he will become. When there is discordance between longing and reality, there is friction both internal and external. I wonder then, if some of our difficulties lie in my own battle between what I want and what I should accept, taking responsibility only for what is truly mine.

For a child change is not only inevitable but desirable, as he struggles to disconnect himself from the past because he believes that connections are limiting and harmful to his growth and independence. There is no awareness  of the value or power  of those connections and maybe no fear of truly severing them if he feels the underlying love is pure and genuine.

Through all of the struggles I know I can take comfort in the fact that I am not alone; that this dance repeats itself from generation to generation.  Socrates is said to have noted of the children in Ancient Greece that: “The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. They contradict their parents and tyrannize their teachers.”

TIP OF THE WEEK: DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY (emphasis added)!! Also, get educated. Info at www.cyfs.org or 434-296-4118, and www.ccfinfo.org.

LISTEN TO THE PODCAST: http://www.wina.com/play_window.php?audioType=Episode&audioId=3787596

Caring for others can and often does make us feel good. Acts of love and compassion can and do enrich the soul. What is it then that causes us to drive ourselves to pain and distraction when caring for our parents? I am thinking it’s the same thing that causes such internal turmoil whenever we feel we must choose between people we love, or even between other people’s needs and our own.

I wonder how young we are when we first get the idea that being “good” means putting everyone else’s needs ahead of our own. At what age do we start down a path that teaches us to validate ourselves from external rather than internal feedback?

What I took away from this interview was that we face these kinds of “limited resource” situations every day. Work vs. Family, Family vs. Self, and so on and so on. The seriousness of illness and the complexity of distance just increase our awareness of our limitations as human beings and the pain that often accompanies such flashes of self-awareness.

What I learned that in such cases, and at such times, we do best when we realize what we can and can’t accomplish, prioritize what must be done versus what we might like to do and give ourselves a lot of permission to nurture ourselves in the most effective way we can and to rely on others to help.

TIP OF THE WEEK: As a caregiver, remember to take care of yourself. And when you don’t, don’t beat yourself up. Give yourself permission to get through the day whatever way you can.

LISTEN TO THE PODCAST: http://www.wina.com/play_window.php?audioType=Episode&audioId=3812750

The feedback on this interview has been really interesting. Some of my listeners, I am guessing those who have had experience in movement training (Tai Chi, martial arts, yoga, dance, etc.) seemed to connect more easily to much of what Susan McCulley was saying. Others had a more difficult time. In either case I think it is important to also hear what Susan was saying as metaphor in the living of our lives. Underpinning everything we talk about is the goal of moving ourselves towards a state of balance and alignment (or B&A as one of my friends calls it) as a way of increasing the joy in our lives.

When we spoke of making small incremental shifts to find physical positions of increased comfort or pleasure, I thought that this is what we can do wtih our lives, not just our bodies. If there is pain in a relationship, or at work, or with family, what can you do, what small incremental change can you begin to make that increases your pleasure? (And probably those around you as well.)

But, like listening to our bodies, we often lack the experience in how to listen. We are challenged with the white noise of life that blocks our ability to listen to and with our hearts, blocks our tiny quiet voice within. Those noises include the ones we make ourselves– justifications, rationalizations, excuses–all of which serve only to keep us from hearing and making those adjustments.

I know for me that I hear best in stillness and that I have to make the time and take the time to have moments of quiet everyday, without the interruptions and chaos of life, in order to truly hear what my heart and body are telling me.

TIP OF THE WEEK: Scan your body every morning before you get out of bed. Simply notice what is going on in your body. No judgment.

LISTEN TO THE PODCAST: http://www.wina.com/play_window.php?audioType=Episode&audioId=3748885

After my interview with Beth, I was reminded again of how people in the public eye have a need to maintain boundaries between their private and public lives. My significant other was, earlier in his life, a very high profile rock and roller and has told me stories of how complete strangers, and even more challenging, people he knew slightly, could be incredibly intrusive. But upon reflection, I began to realize that almost everyone I know, regardless of their status or occupation, has “public” and “private” lives; the “person” they will readily share with others and the “person” they keep to themselves. I know that, for our well being and our safety we need to identify and maintain boundaries, AND I wonder, what is behind what we share and what we don’t.

In the early days of my spiritual training, my teacher gave me an assignment–every day I had to tell a secret about myself. It was frightening. But little by little I came to understand that much of what I had been keeping “private”–those things that I didn’t like about myself, or my fears, or the remnants of negative messaging that I’d taken on as truth–once shared, stopped having the power over me they once had. I came to understand that the boundaries I had set that were founded in negative energy could be removed and I could still maintain my safety while engaging so much more fully with the world around me. 

I asked myself, “Who can you think of whose private and public lives seem to be the most integrated?” and I thought of Ghandi; a man who, without position or wealth or authority literally changed the world for hundreds of millions of people. I wonder if those two things are somehow connected…

TIP OF THE WEEK: After you identify what your vision or passion is, GO FOR IT!

LISTEN TO THE PODCAST: http://www.wina.com/play_window.php?audioType=Episode&audioId=3799650