Real Life with Jennifer Till

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: The focus on the creation of Peace begins within. — Caverly Morgan

I actually have spent 10 days at a silent zen monastery. Wake up at 7:00 a.m. Walk to the meditation hall. Oh, by the way, when I’ m walking, I must keep my gaze downcast in front of me, lest I catch someone else’s eye. Every moment of every day, including when I’m walking, is structured for me turn my attention inward—to, literally and figuratively, look only at me. I promise you, it got ugly! When the quiet is turned up, so is the mind chatter in my head. And some of those voices get vicious–what I say about myself–what I say about other people. But mostly, I was hearing how utterly relentless I am on myself. I’m not good enough, smart enough, and most the most pervasive and ultimately destructive story is that I’m not worthy—not worthy to be loved.

Now, I’m sitting in meditation, facing the wall. Eating breakfast in silence, again, facing the wall. I actually became aware of the food in my mouth and what it tasted like. I also became aware of the stories that I was making up about the other retreatants as they were eating while facing the wall. People with whom I’ve literally had no contact, eye or otherwise, and here I am inventing what they are thinking, mostly about me, where they came from and what they do, or their biases, opinions…you get the idea.

Onto our morning group meeting, doing awareness practices. Lunch at 1:00. Eat facing the wall again. Time alone to walk, journal, nap. Back to an afternoon group meeting. 5:00 p.m. sitting meditation, facing the wall. Dinner, again, you got it, facing the wall. (And I’m paying for this?!?) Then onto the evening dharma talk (which means I’m listening to someone else, the zen teacher in this case, talk). How many more days do I have to go? I still have the scrap of paper on which I was counting the days, like an exotic island castaway, deriving great satisfaction with each hatch mark moving me closer to my emanicipation…

WHAT STORIES DO YOU TELL ABOUT YOURSELF?

Practice: Be aware of 5 breaths today. Feel what it is to take an in breath…what it is to take an out breath. Feel the unique rhythm of your own breath. Simply feel what it’s like to be in the body, and not have to believe what the mind is doing.

LISTEN TO THE PODCAST: http://podcast.wina.com/wina/1835375.mp3

One House of Peace Website: onehouseofpeace.org

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Some pursue happiness. Others create it. — Unknown

After we finish, my Executive Producer and I talk about the show we just did, what we liked, what I wish I had included, and then the ubiquitous random conversation… After this show, David commented that it’s all well and good to be invited in, but what do you do about the crystal ball concept?

Crystal ball concept? Maybe this sounds familiar: If you loved me you would know. Yes, you would know what I’m thinking, what I want, what I need, and precisely how I want you to perform in order to make me happy.  Yikes! There is a whole level of dynamic that happens between couples, between people, based on projection and subsequent unspoken expectation. I suspect that this is probably the major source of human suffering!

Downsides to the crystal ball dynamic are probably too numerous to name, but I’ll give it a go. If you are the holder of the crystal ball, it keeps you in the victim role, keeps you small, undeveloped, at the mercy of the other person’s ability and desire to keep your best interest paramount and perform up to your standard (good luck). If targeted as the crystal ball gazer, you are set up to fail, because after all, who else but Karnak the Magnificent is going to win this game?

How do you use the crystal ball for a good game of ninepins rather than a proving ground? Through the courage to know yourself, and I mean really know yourself–the good, the “bad” and the ugly–and indeed this DOES take courage. Sometimes the courage comes into play when I’m looking at parts of myself that I’m ashamed of, I’ve deemed too needy, and certainly don’t want others to know about. Sometimes courage comes into play when it’s time to own the magnificent parts of myself–is it OK to actually be spectacular? After all, aren’t we supposed to be humble and unassuming?

Courage, coupled with the light of self awareness and the willingness to communicate what you uncover about your magnificent self, move you closer to your own happiness, to creating a life of joy! And please remember, that just because you communicate a particular want or need (and just how many needs do we REALLY have) does not inherently imply a positive response on the receiver’s end. Come on ladies. This is where we get to pull our big girl panties up!

PRACTICE:  In rank order, write down the top 5 priorities in your life.

LISTEN TO THE PODCAST: http://tinyurl.com/mn4h29